Phew! It’s been a long week. I feel roughly like the remainder of my delicious froggie cookie looks. I tried to refrain from eating his whole face, but in the end (i.e. 2 seconds after this photo was taken) I happily devoured the rest.At any rate, this week has been pretty sucky for various reasons, I suppose. Monday was the anniversary of my dad’s death, and it made me real sad. (Many thanks to Amee, who called both me and my mom to chat. I really appreciate that a lot.) I miss him all the time, but this week made me remember the shock and the funeral and those couple of weeks of freaking out more vividly. However, lucky for me, dad visited me in my dreams, so that was fun. We listened to Colin Hay’s cd and ate cereal, since I’ve recently discovered the joys of lactose-free milk. Although, I remember him liking Grape Nuts, but he turned his nose up at them in my dream, so apparently in the after-life you don’t have to eat as much fiber, so that’s a relief as well. I really miss him, and although I have lots of people to love me and I even fell in love during this year, no one can ever ever replace my buddy, and it’s scary when you begin to realize how irreplaceable someone is in your life and that you will, even (maybe especially) during happy moments, feel a little sadness because they’re not there to share it with you. Every “life” moment will be like this for the rest of my life. Every success and failure and joy and sorrow will make me feel that loss. It’s really hard.
Also, I’m ultimately paranoid all the time and constantly worry about the people I love. I am also unnecessarily concerned with everyone’s heart health, and I no longer like old people. I used to love seeing old couples together, but now I sort of resent them. It is irrational, but I do. And I hate it when Aneil talks about us “growing old together” because it implies that we will actually live that long, which you just can’t assume.
But not to worry, I am mostly still pleasant and funny, or at least I try to be.
Anywho, in terms of dealing with this week, I’ve found it easier to avoid thinking about it by a) avoiding people I know and/or b) allowing myself zero free time. This has resulted in full-on immersion into 2 places where personal connections and/or thinking are lacking: the gym and school.
On Monday, I went to the strength training class that I used to attend, but have managed to avoid for about 7 months. I was pretty tired by the end, and it took until Thursday evening for my arms to finally feel okay enough to lift them above my head again. I am pathetic. I am however becoming a superstar on the elliptical trainer, although I sweat like it’s going out of style or something. Seriously, it’s ridiculous, I have to admit.
School in the summer can bite me as well. Constant reading of long case studies about websites and e-commerce. UGH. Makes me miss contract law. I’m also convinced that the professor hates me. Plus I have to work on homework/projects all weekend. Sucky, indeed.
Oh also there’s a war on in the MidEast. Freaks me out.
I am also reading The Kite Runner. It’s really pretty good, but parts of it are just excruciating to read. Poor Afghanistan.
I flew to Corpus Christi for a meeting yesterday. (Sorry Amanda, but all I saw was the airport and some grain fields and the Olefins plant.) Meeting was unsuccessful at best, but I really liked flying on Southwest. It was my first time, and although Hobby Airport is a little ghetto (the security chick for my departing flight yawned and barely scoped out my bag in the x-ray machine and they had red neon numbers marking the gates), I love Southwest. They have these great two-toned uggo (but comfy) leather seats, and it’s a free-for-all with no reserved seating. And had free doughnuts at the gate. Plus the flight attendants are spunky and make lots of jokes and wear brightly colored Bermuda shorts. (maybe the shorts make you more spunky?) And I mean, the company emblem is a circle with wings and a cartoon heart in the middle of it. What’s not to love?
My one tidbit of exciting news this week…Project Runway is back! Finally something watchable on tv again for the summer. I loved the strange man who made a hat out of a bread basket. Also the guy from Atlanta who made a cute dress from coffee filters. Plus I adore Tim Gunn, and wish he could be my personal life coach who would constantly tell me to “make it work” when I need encouragement. I looove him. I’m also of course afraid of, yet in love with, Heidi Klum.
Okay, that’s all for now, but take care of your hearts and tell your daddies you love them.
1 comment:
I had a dream that my recently deceased grandmother wanted to meet my baby. But we had to meet in secret and I couldn't tell anyone because, well, you're not allowed to do things like that when you're gone. Another time I dreamed that she was making Thanksgiving dinner, and the whole family was ignoring her, and anytime I tried to talk to her, she'd wink and make the 'sh' sign with finger to lips, as if to remind me that she was gone, she wasn't really there. I don't pretend to compare that to the closeness of parent and child. But I do know that when so much of you is them, they can't possibly be totally gone. When you do the things they taught you, the sense of humor you picked up, the way you handle certain situations, you know they're still there because they're in you. And it's ok to drop into a low, it's ok to think sadly or fondly, it's ok to worry about the future. As long as you can be in that dark place, exhale let it go, turn around and rejoin your life
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